I'm doing it again. And by "doing it" I mean "not doing it". "It" being creative or even simply productive. I had a month of really energetic accomplishments and then a break came up in my schedule and I thought "Oh good, I need a small break". And I took it. And then after a few days had gone by and I felt rested, found myself still sitting down by the side of the road. I felt ready to move on but couldn't find the energy to get up again.
It's that same old problem with inertia and momentum. The same ol' crap shows up in my life and in my head. What direction was I going again? Do I want to keep going that way? Or should I try that little road off there to the right? There are family distractions and little emotional brambles and creative dilemmnas and it just seems too hard to get going.
I'm not having the Big Angst with a capital A that I was having earlier this year. It's just a little angst. Or maybe it's more of a Big Annoyance. I'm annoyed with myself, with my life. Here we are nearing the end of the calendar year and I still haven't finished getting rid of all the crap in my life that I am always complaining is tying me down. At least I'm feeling pissed off about it instead of overwhelmed. Or rather, being pissed off is in the lead at the moment, overwhelmed is still huffing and puffing somewhere back there, dogging my steps.
I think part of this is just an annual event where the winter holidays come up and I'm faced again with the fact that my fantasy life is never going to be my real life. I'm never going to be organized enough to make all my gifts and wrap them in handmade paper while snacking on homemade holiday treats in my perfectly maintained and decorated home. This is the time every year when I realize that shipping dates cut my holiday gift making time into half of what I thought I had left. And I start to think of how much time each and every project truly takes.
Too, this year I'm thinking of all the other things I'd like to be doing INSTEAD of making a perfect winter holiday season. Like, finish getting rid of all the mess around here. And start cooking and homemaking again. I used to be frickin' AMAZING at those things. No. REALLY!!! I swear to you. With a cherry on top. Pinky swear. Cross my heart. Whatever.
And read. I know you can't make a career out of reading but that's what I like to do. The weather turns cold and I just want to hole up with a book and a hot cup of coffee and hope no one asks me to do anything. I mentioned (although it was on my other blog) that our local Starbucks was remodeling. They covered up their windows and for a month or so now they've been offering free hot coffee from a kiosk set up in their drive thru lane during dry, daylight hours. It's been lovely having free lattes but I've been looking forward to the unveiling of their new interior and of course looking forward to having them open on rainy days and cold nights. (Which start early now. Maybe some of this is just adjusting to the change off daylight savings time.)
Yesterday the windows weren't blacked out anymore so I stopped to see if they were actually open. No, but a peek in the window showed me the same two old armless, upholstered chairs and nothing new in color or design. Bleh. I was hoping for some of those velvet "sink into them" overstuffed chairs that other Starbucks have for readers and daydreamers. They said they'll be open today, so maybe tonight I'll go take another look.
And if that's not enough, I'm having a Words vs. Images battle in my head. This is Nanowrimo month and although I've decided it's insane to participate this year, I still find my head filled with plot ideas and character possibilities. I've been gentle but firm with myself that this is not a good time to disappear into my laptop (and Starbucks, since I find it hard to write at home) but myself is pouting and annoyed at me.
I think the only real solution is to stick some earplugs in my brain. Brain plugs? Just stop thinking, get my pouty ass up off of whatever comfy spot I've planted it, and get back to work on cleaning up my life. Can't I have a magic nose wiggle or folded arm blink that will do the work for me instantaneously? Please? .................. No? Damn.